From Reversed Queen of Wands to Queen of Cups, part 1.
Hi guys! Thanks for stopping by, I hope you’re enjoying getting to know me. This post is a continuation of this one, so go ahead and catch up if you’d like to. I’ll be here. 🙂
So there I was, sitting on the couch with my guitar in my hands, crying with frustration because my fingers forgot how to play. The once smooth and flawless picking and chord changes had been replaced by a halting, muted wreck that broke my heart apart.
There was one song I could always get through, though,“Morning song”, by Jewel. I let that song lead me back to feeling like I could play guitar again. Every time I became frustrated with another song I was working on, I would go back to that one and feel better, while still getting some of the technical practice I needed.
And practice I did, little by little. I thought about practicing a lot more than I actually did it, which is decidedly silly and unproductive. Over time, though, I’ve started practicing every time I think about it, and I’ve re-built my skill to where I was before I lost it. Although my practicing lately has been a bit sparse, at least I don’t let it go long enough to get rusty!
The more I’ve been getting back in touch with my musical and spritual side and allowing these aspects of my personality to guide my decisions and drive my actions, the happier and less encumbered I feel in my everyday life.
At first I thought, Why not do both? Music AND Science! Science will pay the bills, and music will feed my soul!
Except that Science took all my energy, because even though I was good at it, my heart wasn’t in it, and I had nothing left to give to my creativity, to my soul’s work. My creative voice grew hoarse from disuse, and finally it went silent.
And when I DID try to dedicate time to my soul’s work, the environment at home wasn’t really helping: my husband at the time was annoyed by my “froofy girly music”. He was more of a Slipknot guy. It went better with the soundtrack of gunfire going on with his constant first person shooter gaming.
Now don’t get me wrong, he’s a really nice guy and I cared for him deeply, but after years of this dynamic, where he disparaged the music I wanted to make, where he would lash out and push me away with his insecurities, where every time I tried to help with anything he took it as a personal affront, my love and desire to be in the relationship dwindled until I felt I just had to get out. It wasn’t fair to either one of us, how unhappy I was and how this was affecting his happiness, too.
But breaking the commitment, and his heart along with it, wasn’t something I wanted to do in the least. The part of me that loves him still was very resistant to this gigantic change. A divorce is never easy, even if there are no children involved. I was afraid to speak my truth and of the potentially devastating consequences that would follow.
I kept waiting the right time to feel right, and so went two years.
Then one day, I had enough of the stupid fighting over little things blown out of proportion. What started as a little fight escalated to me finally blurting it out:
“I just can’t take this shit anymore. I want a divorce.”
“You’re going to divorce me over THIS?!?”, was his reply.
In my efforts to keep the peace and be kind, I had neglected to impress upon him the depth of my unhappiness with our marriage… this is probably the biggest regret of my life. If I had been more vocal about my dissatisfaction, maybe he wouldn’t have been so surprised.
As shock gave way to devastation on his part, I could tell my presence was a source of pain, and so I needed to go. I decided to go home to my parents in Puerto Rico for two weeks, so that he could start getting used to the idea of me not being around. At the end of the two weeks, I’d come back and start moving out.
Life had other plans for me, though, and I ended up staying abroad for three months, facing one of the most fearsome challenges of my life so far: going through a separation and divorce and fighting thyroid cancer at the same time.
But that’s a story for another day.
Once upon a time, before the word “blog” existed, I kept an online journal, in addition to writing poetry, songs and fiction pretty consistently. The creative output fueled my inner fire, and it was all I wanted to do with my life.
Create, create, create, bring beauty and joy and wisdom and comfort into this world.
I read voraciously, wrote freely, sang every day, and this kept me going through some of the most emotionally difficult times in my life. It helped me find the light of hope that shines within me, and it helped me uplift others, and help them find their own light.
Back in those days, my most regular writing practice was “Aurora’s Journal”, a website I built from scratch with old school html code, using images I had drawn myself and scanned in, where I talked about my everyday life, and about my feelings. I used a pseudonym (Aurora Sofía, because I’ve always been into light and wisdom), to protect those involved (and in an attempt to keep my journal a secret from the boy I was crushing on, hehehe).
I guess you’d call it “personality” blogging these days with all the business lingo, I learned that from the lovely Paige Zaferiou during a little Skype date we had. I love masterminding with this babe, hehehe… Anyhow, what I’m getting at is that I’m just going to go ahead and let this memoir-type of writing be my lifeline back into my written voice, unapologetically.
This is my Morning Song.
Here’s a few articles that have given me lots of juicy, delicious food for thought as I start this year out:
Briana Saussy’s latest Lunar Letter has such an important message for us: Call it like you see it, see it for what it is, and respond with compassion and courage.
Theresa Reed’s blog is always a fount of inspiration and information, don’t miss her Mad Hookups for this month.
Amelia Quint’s handy guide for using astrology to set your goals for this year has given me a lot to chew on! I’m using this as a practice to learn a bit more about astrology, and loving the insights it’s giving me. Combining her advice with this technique from Theresa (man, do I love that lady!) is giving me some major clarity for this year!
I really enjoyed this post from Hilary Parry about Tarot readers and money. Readers have to eat, pay rent, buy more decks…
Paige Zee’s lovely prose inspires me to choose my words and actions to match my goal, constantly, this year and always.
And if you’d like to connect with me and get some insight on where you are currently, and where you’re headed, just let me know! I’ll be so glad to hear from you.